Letters, No. 4

Dearest one,

It always feels a little weird to say it like this, because we are young. But as I get older, I notice that life tends to grow dull. Daily life slowly become a show of reliving the same routines endlessly, and everything tend to feel rather boring. It's a little sad to think that the curious spark we got as children is slowly dwindling away, and the reality of adulthood creeps in. It is no wonder that so many people grow unhappiness as they mature.

In my own search for purpose, I have come to realise that there is no true answer to this. Books I've read, scholars and teachers I've listened to, and experiences I seek, all seem to point me to ultimately the same thing. To find or create my own meaning, in a universe of indifference and randomness. There is this interesting idea presented by a peculiar German philosopher, that "he who has a why can bear any how". Yet, how can one find their "why"? I've always wondered that, and I am sure that the same is the case for many others.

Perhaps the way is religion. To believe that one's purpose in life is to serve the divine. Of course, this idea may quench the search for some, but I believe is still unsatisfying. What does it mean to serve god? The New Testament writers seem to all teach of finding a role and utilising one's gifts in order to serve the spiritual community, despite the primary goal of Christianity being salvation through faith, and not by works. Perhaps, the way is to create one's own meaning. This is an idea I quite like, but the ambiguity that lies with the claim surely affects its practicality. Or perhaps, the whole point of it is to accept the reality of things as it is, and let go of the idea that life is cosmically meaningful.

I feel that I am circling around abstract, boring ideas here, but I hope you may bear with me, my love.

For the longest time, these concepts plagued me and caused me to be deeply unsatisfied with life. It has caused me to grow and become a cynical, sorrowful man. I have decided to go on and toil away in life, as that seemed to be the only option available, besides death. These things have not changed much, and I still go about my routines as I would. But now, you have become a part of that. Our morning greetings, evening farewells, regular dates, and random conversations. You have plagued the silence that fills my days with pleasant thoughts, and caused this lonely child to see the wonders of being.

You have slowly become the why that allows me to bear many hows, the thing I wish to pursue and endure all kinds of struggle. I still cannot answer the question of meaning in my life, but you have helped me see what it is I would wish to live for. You have helped me discover a life that I wish to fight for, a responsibility I desire to hold. A precious little rose for me to care for, and keep my company, as I face the mysteries of the universe.

Each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. And with that growing love, I am learning to love myself and the world. You give me hope for people, and open up my eyes to see the beauty of creation. I am missing you, as you would probably read this while we are apart. But to be able to grieve over your absence is a privilege that brings me some joy. I cannot wait to see you again, and hold you in my arms.

Oh, if I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever.

E.J.